I wish they'd let me name drugs. I understand that the actual naming process is a complex system of refinements orchestrated by the dark underbelly of our society -- much like the actual creation process -- but, I don't know, I just think I could do better.

I mean, "crank"? First off, it sounds way too much like "crack," causing consumer confusion. Secondly, it sounds like it's not very fun to use. Thirdly, "crank"? Come on. Don't even get me started on "pot."

Drugs need a PR facelift. "Ecstacy" had the right idea: tie yourself in with images of pleasure and euphoria, not images of, well, "crack." "Speed" isn't bad, if a bit dull. But take "acid." No, not literally. I don't know about you, but I don't want to consume corrosives. Maybe that's where the verb "drop" came from. Bob told Leroy he was about to eat a tab of "acid," and Leroy dropped it, checking his hands for scarring.

A new name is mandated. Maybe something funny -- Joe Camel proved that marketing to kids is quite profitable. Or something trendy, since people love to keep up with the Joneses (and their jonesings). Personally, though, I'm leaning toward "Unicorn Drops," as it could appeal to the youth market, the freak market, the pothead market, and the Anne McCaffery market all at once.

Since drugs are already illegal, I wouldn't have to worry about copyright infringement either. This paves the way for changes like "crack" to "Pop Rock," "heroin" to "Lite Brite," and "mescaline" to "Paxil." The possibilities are limitless. "Designer drug" takes on a whole new meaning when it's applied to your bottle of "Hallucination (by Elizabeth Taylor)."

Even the really dangerous drugs could get into the act. After all, this is the land of the free; if we want to kill ourselves, we're grown adults. Let's face it, the deadly drugs currently have the worst names and need the most help. "Marlboro," "Winston," "Doral" -- need I go on? Kids are gonna go for the "Lite Brite" every time, and you can say goodbye to your market share.

It's clear that drugs have a bad rap, and need a new deal. After all, where would we be without them? Certainly not in The White House.